Grieving

What happened:

My cold finger accidentally simultaneously hit the "Supr" (delete key on a Spanish keyboard) and the Enter key, thus confirming permanent deletion of my files off of the CRSVR (our server at the Costa Rica Center). I look in the Recycle Bin. Not there. The "Undo" command produces nothing either. I look up Windows Help and Support to Recover lost or deleted files and explore all recommended options, only to find out that there is no "Restore point" because there are no previous versions or backups that exist of our whole entire blasted Costa Rica Server. Imagine that. Upon consultation of our Whitworth IT department up North, I found out that we only have one server down here, and it is not backed up to anything at Whitworth North because the VPN can't transmit stuff this big. Furthermore, no individual computer is currently being used as a "just-in-case" backup either. Well poop. Now we know for the future, right?

Here is the application of the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief" to my loss of my Internships database off the server at work: (C'mon people, just indulge me here, read my processing, or pretend to, and pretend my reactions and anecdotes are funny. That might help ease my pain a bit.)

1.      SHOCK & DENIAL-

• You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief.
  I could not believe that the file was actually "permanently deleted" and unrecoverable.
• You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain.
  I thought for sure that a backup or restore point had to exist somewhere. That Walt and Josh and Christina up in IT would have FOR SURE seen to it that precautions were taken to ensure that our one and only database of files would be safe and secure. They can totally find a way in their techie world to remedy the issue!
• Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
  I still cannot believe that a year's worth of work has just disappeared. I have to be able to get it back somehow!

 2.      PAIN & GUILT-

• As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
  All of this work from the last year is gone. I sure am experiencing the pain of this reality fully. Yep. It hurts. I'll try to resist the substances, but it'll be hard. 
• You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
  For the sake of this exercise, I guess we can call my Internships files my loved one. I was in the middle of preparing lots of very important files for future student groups and internship sites. There was a lot left to be done, things that I had worked so hard to build up and develop. Just gone in the blink of an eye. I hate my finger so much for pushing those two crucial keys by accident at the same time! All the work that everyone invested in helping build these files is all gone. And it's all my stupid finger's fault!!

 3.      ANGER & BARGAINING-

• You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
  Definitely questioning "Why me?!?!?!" And SOOOOO incredibly mad that it was my most crucial information that I work with on a daily basis that got deleted. Why couldn't it be any other folder?!
• Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
  There are so many curse words I want to exclaim. Lindy asked me if I wanted to punch something, offering his panza (belly) to me to hit. I said I'd prefer to find a pillow to scream into. The second time he offered, I just hugged him. I clearly wasn't ready for the anger stage. Or maybe I had already reached stage 4...?

 4.      "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

• Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you.
  My colleagues probably think I should just stop deep sighing over the matter and start working on recollecting the lost files in a way that I can.
• This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
  Yeah, people, stop trying to offer me solutions! Let me be the most sad and pensive about this issue right now!
• During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you.
  Heck yes, it depresses me. This was like 90% of my work since I’ve been down here in CR!
• You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past.
  There's a reason why I'm alone right now with my computer and blogging, as well as simultaneously jotting down a map of the folders and files I lost, so I won't forget the layout and the documents I'll need to try and search to recover.
• You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
  My life is over and without purpose now that my last year of work is gone (not really). I texted my boyfriend, "I could kill myself. Ughhhhhh. But really, I am actually surprised at how calm I am for having to pick up the pieces." (My stages of grieving were a little jumbled at that point in time. Everything and all emotions all at once! Eeeeek!)

 5.      THE UPWARD TURN-

• As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
  I have a massage in an hour. Maybe that will help with the stress?!

 6.      RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

• As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without your loved one.
  I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of my tragedy right now. What can be done to find some of these lost documents? There are backups of various stages of the files on the Blackboard server, in sent and received email attachments, and possibly on others' computers. I can contact students again for certain documents, if I need. Thus the mapping of the folder's contents to remember what all it is that I need to search to rebuild the database. I am reconstructing myself and my life without my dear, beloved Internships database. LOL.

 7.      ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

• During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
  Thank you, 7 stages of grief model, for helping me learn to accept and deal with the reality of my situation. This was a necessary exercise for me to complete in order to feel at peace and calm when going ahead with my work. No, I am not instantly happy. I am by no means "carefree" but am indeed finding a way forward.
• You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
  I'm SOOOOO looking forward to the future. And planning is basically my middle name: Lara Planner Lichten. I'm not so sure I"ll be able to think about my "lost loved one" without any pain. Sadness definitely, yes. I am looking forward to experiencing the joys of living and carrying out my work that is Coordinating CRC Internships.

There. That's it. I'm fine. All better. Through the stages of grief. I've accepted it, and now I am planning things for the future. We've learned some lessons, and there is hope for the future, and a silver lining (sort of... if I squint and force myself really hard to see it): we know for the future that deleting anything off the server PERMANENTLY deletes it, and futhermore, we now know that we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO find a way to back up our very important databases of all the info on our CRSVR. Also, backing up important individual folders/files that you work with on a daily basis is SUPER important.